Honey, we have to talk
September 17th, 2007This is the fourth installment of the till death do us part series, to mark my ten years of marriage (only three weeks before the eleventh anniversary).
There is no autopilot
When one drives a car, when one pilots an airplane, when one rides a bike, one finds that even on the straightest road, in the stillest air, or on the smoothest track, one still has to make constant tiny adjustments. If one stops adjusting for a couple of seconds, one has an emergency situation. And if one misses this last opportunity to alter course, one crashes.
I am under the impression that lots of couples believe that their relationship is on autopilot. And fights break out as soon as one dares to point out that they should definitely straighten the trajectory.
Chéri, il faut qu’on parle.
How I used to dread this short verdict. It meant something needed discussing that I had not seen. I was certain that at some point in the conversation, I would feel accused, even if no accusing word was spoken. I do not know about people, but I’d rather be lightyears away when issues need to be discussed. Especially issues which I am totally unaware of, but which suddenly seem vital to the other honey involved.
I seem to have a much higher threshold for issues: I have a tendency to carry on and not complain. I am happy when things are OK. Obviously, I am a coward. And there I was, faced with the raw truth that there was something I wasn’t necessarily unhappy about that made the love of my life unsatisfied.
I know a lot of people who would divert, dodge, deny, get angry. I was like this. I did not go as far as getting angry, but my beloved would do just that for me. A ball was coming at me. It took me some time to understand that it was not aimed at me. I understood that the best I could do was to try and stop the ball with a damp thud, catch my breath, put the ball down, sit down by it and start listening for real. Now we know that whatever it is, it is not about either of us, it is about the both of us. We are in this together, we need to make things right together.
We learnt to talk
Talking about difficulties is not a given. It does not come out of the box with the engagement ring. Love does not tell you how to do it. Love generally only makes us accept more things than we would otherwise. This gives us more time and leeway to sort things out and solve issues, more time to know one another, more courage to learn to talk, more patience before we start to feel angry or helpless.
It took us some time to fully adjust our discussions so that noone would feel accused, so that the heart of the talk was about what we could do, not about what someone had been doing wrong.
I am so glad we found the courage to grab the calf by the horns and gradually learnt to talk issues with all possible honesty, reciprocity, empathy, so that we’d be ready for the real bull when it should come. And I do hope we can handle the real bull when it comes and that our relationship will last for as long as we both shall live, because I would not want to return to square one. This listening-talking capital that we have slowly accumulated now yields a fabulous profit that makes life easier everyday.
Epilogue
If you want to try this at home, do not start discussions late at night: tiredness has the exact opposite effects of love.
Read on
Till death do us part — 1 — the first decade of forever
Till death do us part — 2 — small chances, big changes
Till death do us part — 3 — on fidelity and other trifles
Till death do us part — 4 — Honey, we have to talk
Till death do us part — 5 — a love-letter blog ?
Oh yes, those scary little words, “Honey, we need to talk.” For some reason, NO ONE ever uses that phrase when what they want to do is find out which restaurant would be the most felicitous one in which to celebrate a birthday or anniversary or raise. It always is code for, “We’ve got a problem.” And you are right. Never Never Never address the issue when you are tired. It is also best if you are not drunk either.
One of the pure joys of having been together “forever” is the fact that if you have addressed an issue successfully once, the next time you hear or say the dreaded phrase, you know it is possible to resolve issues. So rather than giving up, you plunge in.
Congratulations on nearly 11 years from 22.
Well, for some unknown reason, my wife sometimes uses the phrase: “we need to talk about something” for such things as restaurants, christmas gifts, vacations or baby-sitting arrangements. So that there is always a sharp surge of almost-stress before I hear that the sentence ends with “about something”.
Just as the previous parts, I fully agree with your points that come at a right time for me, just before our second anniversary (congrats on your 11th!). I particularly like when you say that you practice grabing the calf by the horns to be ready for the bull, should a bull arrive one day. But not giving time for the calf to grow into a bull is also a good way…
I was thinking of the bull rather as an external-cause bull, not the calf itself grown up, but you are right: we should keep an eye on that calf too and keep it a bonsai calf, by trimming its horns and hoofs on a regular basis.
Isn’t it so wonderful to be past those days when you didn’t know how to talk the way you do now? It always makes me wonder (just having celebrated number 12) what it will be like when I’m celebrating year 20 and makes me very sad for those who give up during year two.
That’s why I think young ones should progressively learn to live as a couple and not jump right in (it took us five years to move together).